“I exist to be a pain in the ass but I also exist to have a conscience as an educator.”
*One of the many my Pre-modern World History professor has said in class but today, instead of being inspired for the moment, I consciously made the effort to write it down in my note. This basically summarizes the type of educator he is, at first stern and mean but as you move along, you start to understand why.
So, the other day… at our Creative Writing class, we were given a task called 3-6-9, where we write 3 shorts in just 69 words, excluding title of course! The 3 shorts can stand as a story on its own or can be a story all together. This task was quite a challenge for me because I tend to write a lot.. of details..so here is my first attempt.
Time of Sharing
I knew it wasn’t Susan’s but I opened it anyway.
“Susan, I wanted your jolly, fat, dancing Santa…!” I grumbled at the electronic car.
“Steal it from Jack!” Susan replied.
Everything was well till someone else stole the Santa from my lap at the last turn of the game and left me in tears. I never ever wanted to play that stupid White Elephant gift exchange ever!
I do not like you.
All I had wished for was to get my belly pierced on my 16th birthday but mum would always give me the death stare dare I mentioned it. I was fearful of her yet I felt fearless that day. At midnight, I was sneaked out by my girls to get it pierced. That morning was a hell.
“I hate you!”, I screamed at mom and never went home.
Present day, today.
I sit beside my mum’s bed, holding her hand as she slowly drifts away to a sweet dream. I whisper “I love you mum.” as the waves on the monitor slowly flattens. I examine her for the last time, the lines of her struggles that rested so beautifully on her looked more prominent.
The emptiness within disappeared because she imprinted a mark on my heart that would last forever.
Last night I watched the movie “50 First Dates” on netflix because I could not sleep and I no longer wanted to finish up my homework. I could not help smiling and laughing with “awwww” throughout the whole movie! I loved it so much! This cute chick flick movie really touched me deeply even though the it was a happy ending, it made me reflect on the importance of memory.
Lucy the main heroine only has long term memory and cannot process information in the short-term memory to her long-term memory due to a car accident a year ago. So, she lives the same day everyday before the accident and has no recollection of new memories. Then she meets this guy, Henry, who he deeply falls for her and everyday he has to make her fall in love, hence the title “50 First Dates” because every day is a new day for her.
I won’t spill on the other details of the movie because I do not think I can even explain the awesomeness of the movie as it is and it is wayyy WORTH it to watch it!!! After the movie, more than the “OH, i wish i had a guy like that..” or “oww, this is the best movie ever!!!”, I was intensely moved by the way our “Memory” plays in our life. As cliche as it sounds, I do not remember the last time I thought about our “memory” in such perspective. I mean, yes, of course, most of us are all “healthy” and living a normal life but never did I think of my “memory” in such gratefulness. Throughout the movie, I kept wondering what if I had the same condition… I could not bear the thought! I really am so thankful my “memory” is intact, that allows me to make new memories. And I realize it is these new memories that move us along in life, shape us as a person and brings us happiness. We are able to experience all that life has to offer to us and preserve them within us. The lessons we learnt, people we met and things that we did, all are safely guarded in us. As humans, memory is also all that we have when we are left with nothing. When we die, it is all these memories that make our life and we die with it. No one can snatch away your memory, it solely belongs to you, that makes every part of you, so thinking about the less fortunate people that do not have it like us, in my opinion, it is one of the worst thing in the world. So, can you imagine yourself without the ability to make new memories? Without the ability to store what you did, with whom and where? How would you feel waking up everyday to the same day?
I woke up this morning, bewildered whether I was still dreaming or have actually woken up. Have you ever considered the thought that perhaps our reality is all a dream and our dreams are our existence?
This morning I woke up feeling strange, like I was in a distant place in solitary. I had casually opened my eyes and in an instant, I felt a shift in gravity, like I had traveled millions of years at the speed of light, arriving at a foreign universe far, far away from my own being. I peeked from side to side, hoping for something familiar but nothing in sight. I thoughtlessly stretched my arm and reached for something. “5 more minutes to 8”, I thought. I closed my eyes vigorously and tried to seal them lock, but No. I was in vain. I was wide awake. I started feeling blue, dreading the dullness of the day and desiring more and more of the paradise I was lost at. Thereupon, I started wondering what if our reality was all a dream and our dreams were our existence? (I wished!) Then, I replayed the paradise that lived in my head, in my mind and devoured every detail of it before it faded away and awaited for the day my mind decides to take me to the “paradise” once again.
I was feeling rather lonely the other day, not having seen a single Nepalese soul, when all my friends had found a friend or two of their nationality. It’s not that I preferred Nepalese friends but it would have definitely helped to ease the pain of being homesick. I really envied the connection and I wished I had a friend I could speak Nepali with. Anyway, since I have bee here and the topic of food would come in, I never missed a chance to mention Mo mo, which every Nepalese could never have enough of.
Coming out of the gym, I spotted a guy on his bike, who I thought looked like he could be a “Nepalese”.
Me: “OMGGG!! HE LOOKS LIKE A NEPALI!!!!”
Friend: “Maybe he is! Go talk to him!!!”
Me: “Noo.. that would be really weird.. ! lol”
And my friend did the most outrageous and silly thing I never imagined!
Friend: “MO MO!! MO MO!!!”
She went on.. loud enough for the guy to hear.
Me: “OMGG! What are you doing?!!” I said, laughing my head off.
Friend: “Surely he would have turned around if he was a Nepalese..!”
Thanks to my smart friend, that’s one method I’ve learnt to spot and hopefully bond with a Nepalese.
I’m sure everyone of us have encountered at least that one unique teacher that is an individual on their own unrestricted from the usual molded teachers. I know I have. Plenty, indeed. There is this one teacher in particular during my 2nd semester of my first year in University that suddenly popped in my head while I was browsing through courses that I have to register for the coming school term.
This particular course was called “Human Intimacy: Friendship, Dating and Marriage”. The course name itself quite interesting. In this course, honestly, I was expecting more of the psychological perspective such as why people seek intimacies and the connection to human intimacy history. However, I soon realized that it was focused more on the importance of these relationships to people these days and especially on developing and improving our own intimate relationship. We were paired in partners and were encouraged to develop a kind of relationship through out the course. Our professor, a tiny old Chinese man, was a very kind man He was always prepared for class and he always had a brightening smile on his face. More than his teaching of relationship theories and presentations, I especially enjoyed his sharing of his personal experiences, which he did quite often.
His first love, was his final love. Whenever he would talk about his wife, it always brought us in “awww”. He and his wife had quite a magical love story, starting from when they were young teenagers. Of course in his time, he was not fortunate with all these easy gadgets that help us keep in touch with our loved ones. And in today’s world, it is rare to have dated the only one. Personally, I feel that people these days are easily influenced by their immediate emotion. At the moment of rage, they blurt out everything horrible they can remember and think of but soon realize that they cannot take the words back. I know this, because I have done this, many times myself and I end up regretting all that I said. Even the constant heartfelt “Sorries” cannot replace them. That was one thing I gained through his sharing. To not give in to your immediate emotion. Anyway, this professor, would bring photographs of his wife, family and their memories together. He always seemed very happy to talk about his wife.
At the end of the course, the last class of the course. Something unfamiliar happened. At the very end of 5 minutes, he asked “Can I pray for you?”, in such a soft, gentle voice. And he did, with both his hands crisscrossed and eyes closed, he asked God to bless us all with our relationship we have with our family, friends and lovers and to guide us in finding the one love of our life and to find happiness in all our relationship that we have. This brought tears to my eyes, seeing the purity of love he wished to share with all of us. The fact that he has found his one in the whole universe and wanted the same for all of us. This touched me so much and brought me this feeling of realization of my own relationship that I have with everyone in my life. I realize I never thought of the importance of every single person in my life, each brought a new experience, a new discovery, a new kind of love. This was the first time I actually thanked God for putting every person in my life because now I know there was always a reason for it.
Have you ever had this sudden, random, out-of-nowhere insight? A force of energy pulling you to something? Or an internal push that just leads you on and on and on till you realize this is what you have been missing?
Well, I don’t think there is a precise adjective to describe this feeling or a compilation of words to this feeling. At least, not that I know of. Anyway, my point is regarding this blog. A sudden urge to write my thoughts on a screen. Maybe it was the last couple blogs that I stumbled upon and found myself going back to history and continuing on? Maybe it was the time to start my own ever since I started writing diaries as a young girl? Maybe it was a song stuck on my head (Colors of the Wind- Yes, I just watched Pocahontas again!) ? Maybe it was the short story writing assignment from my creative writing class? Or the old, childish short I wrote myself for my ALs? Or simply the warm waffles with vanilla cream I had this morning? That moment of joy. I honestly don’t know. And will probably never figure out. Yes, some things so simple are just complex like this. But at this moment, I know this is what I want to do.
P.S. If anyone knows of a word that can describe this feeling, please do let me know. Would greatly appreciate it.
(So having this voice in my head saying “Xoxo, Gossip girl” lol)